


You Can Steal What You Love...But You Can't Love What You Steal | Martya's Confession

by ana



Series: The Ivan Tales : Marriage, Divorce, Love and Chocolate Cake [2]
Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cake, Collateral Damage, Confessions, Epistolary, Extramarital Affairs, Family, Fate & Destiny, Forgiveness, Gossip, Letters, Post-Divorce, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 03:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3795244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ana/pseuds/ana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ivan and Martya are divorced.  Ekaterin receives a letter from Delia with a plea on behalf of her sister and Martya writes Ivan a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can Steal What You Love...But You Can't Love What You Steal | Martya's Confession

 

 

_Dear Ekaterin_

_…To the main point of this letter.  I need your help. I know you and Ivan have been spending a lot of time together and that you’ve become good friends.  I believe this needs someone like yourself, someone less connected with this for us all to move forward.  I don’t want to trade on our friendship or for you to trade on yours with Ivan but I need you to persuade him to read Martya’s letter. I think it’s best this request comes from someone who isn’t a Koudelka.  Ivan has sent back every letter that she’s sent and most of them he’s sent back in pieces.  I did think his anger may have simmered down by now. Martya’s thankfully less emotional now.  I won’t say she’s back to her old self.  She’s quieter and that’s something I never thought I’d say about my sister._

_I have forgiven Ivan for what he said to Duv the night of his bonfire.  I understand it for what it was; perhaps more so after reading Martya’s letter. Everyone in my family has read it, Martya insisted on it.  I think it’s important for Ivan to read it as she takes responsibility for what happened in a way she didn’t before.  Perhaps I am only now appreciating how bad it was for him.  Martya’s given me permission to attach a copy for only you to read so you can see why she wants him to read it.  I admit I’m doing this more for Martya’s sake, but I think it would be good for Ivan to read it for his own sake, and it may start to heal things between our families._

_It’s my parents I’m most concerned about.  Papa is still in part denial about Martya’s actions but he knows he can’t blame Ivan, not that he wants to; it’s a dissonance he finds hard to deal with - that his daughters aren’t perfect. He doesn’t talk about what happened.  I think part of it is also him realising we will all be leaving home soon and what he took for granted is disappearing rapidly and that includes Ivan - whose absence is conspicuous by the abundance of cake we have left over.  I don’t mean to be glib.  We always used to complain about finding Ivan underfoot, eating our share of cake and Mama always spoiling him by making extra to take home.  For as long as I can remember he’s always been part of our lives.  He escorted all of us to our first balls, except Kareen, I don’t know if you know that. Not that we were ever grateful as he was such a stickler for doing things properly you wouldn’t believe it. He was just always about, and yes familiarity breeds contempt, but now he’s not here we’re all noticing the little things we all relied on him to do on our behalf. The things we trusted him with and the realisation of how much has changed._

_His history with my parents makes it more difficult. Mama’s loved him as much as she loves her daughters, as much as she loves Gregor and Miles. The Pretendership gives them a connection even her daughters can’t touch. Mama and Papa burn their own offering for Ivan’s father on Ivan’s birthday but they don’t talk about it to us. We respect their silence on it. Then Mama bakes a thousand cakes for Ivan, Miles and Gregor. It’s Ivan though who has always been the one who could afford the time, more than Miles or Gregor, to be around more.  But all clichés are true.  You don’t know what you’ve lost until it’s gone and not finding Ivan making Mama laugh in our house is something I would give much to have back._

_Mama doesn’t think it’s fair to press Ivan and I don’t know why but she feels she’s partly to blame for what happened. She had always hoped one of us would marry Ivan but she never forced it. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this but it’s all part of it I suppose.  Ivan won’t come to the house since Martya is here and Mama won’t ask Ivan to come because she thinks it’s unfair. We can schedule it so Martya isn’t here but the truth is I don’t know if Ivan wants to come._

_I want him to read the letter for his own and Martya’s sake but I want him to come to the house for Mama. But that last part is trickier.  Can you help us?_

_Martya will be sending the letter to him in two days._

_Yours as ever_

_Delia_

 

**_~~~~~~~~_ **

 

_Dear Delia_

_Thank you for trusting me with this and I’m deeply sorry for how this has affected you all.  Ivan does not share as much with me as you think, and if he did I couldn’t divulge it. I have read the letter but I cannot honestly tell you if Martya’s confession will be appreciated by Ivan. You say you thought his anger would have simmered down by now and I think perhaps you do not quite understand how much her actions have affected and changed him.  These are not changes I’ve noticed but they’ve been observed by his family. I’ve not known Ivan that long to compare him to how he was before, but I’ve seen enough to know how his divorce is shaping his life – how could it not?_

_The main reason I have been so much in Ivan’s company is because Lady Alys has forced poor Ivan to assist me when Miles has not been here and when she cannot be here herself to advise me on certain matters.  Ivan has been nothing but patient and kind and is therefore not doing enough if he wishes to discourage me from asking for his help.  But even when Miles is here he’s not always the greatest of help. Many of the shops Miles has recommended closed years ago, but I suppose his work has kept him off Barrayar much more than Ivan’s has. Miles was quite upset when I had to tell him of a toyshop that closed down four years ago; it was a childhood favourite of his._

_I have heard the gossip about Ivan and myself and I have noticed you tactfully did not mention it. I am aware of it as is Miles who has insisted I spend more time with Ivan and not less.  I do not like to pay attention to gossip but I’ve learnt that it’s important to know what poison people are trying to spread and to ignore or combat it as I see fit. It troubles me to hear so many people also accuse Ivan of mistreating Martya in their marriage. I’ve heard some quite absurd and vile accusations.  I’ve been there when they have alluded to it to his face. Ivan deals with it as someone accustomed to such people. He neither defends himself nor attacks Martya but is Vor in the best way.  He mainly ignores them or sets these people down with very few words or one look.  Having seen his mother and Miles do the same I see it must be in the blood._

_I am mentioning this for a reason.  I wanted you to know that Ivan has remained silent when it comes to Martya.  No matter what his feelings are towards her he does not speak of her at all.   He says there’s nothing more to be said. That he said it all to Martya that night of his bonfire, and that people will believe what they want to believe.  It may be that Martya’s letter will rake up aspects he no longer wishes to think about. But I don’t know._

_After writing the above I had a quite interesting conversation with Ivan   I did not mention the letter but I spoke about your mother and I do not think that Ivan knows your mother still wishes to see him as they used to. I’ve seen them both be very polite to each other at dinners and public events, but because your mother is trying to spare Ivan’s feelings and because of the respect Ivan has for her, I think they are both behaving under false assumptions.  Please tell me when Martya is away from the house in the next two weeks as I have an idea.  It will not be that hard at all, I don’t think, for Ivan to visit your mother at home._

_I promise I will speak to him later about the letter. I will tell him the essence of the contents is confession and contrition, and perhaps knowing that may stop him from returning it.  It’s not up to us to decide if he should or shouldn’t read it but I hope as you do that it will somehow help if he does._

_At the moment he and Miles are having one of their friendly arguments which I’ve come to realise is how they communicate with each other._

_Yours_

_Ekaterin_

 

**_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ **

**Martya’s Letter**

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry for all the misery and pain I caused you.  No matter how many times I write it I know it will never be enough but I hope one day you’ll believe it’s true. I’m sorry._

_When I look back on what happened and the way I was, I can’t believe that was me who treated you that way.  None of it was deliberate but it doesn’t change the fact that it was all me.  It took me too long to admit my culpability.  I knew you were unhappy when we were together and I clung to that as an excuse for some of my appalling behaviour.  I realised too late that it was me who’d been making you unhappy._

_I couldn’t see it clearly until I made a list again to try and find the point of origin.  It took me back to that first list I told you about when I decided you were the best man for me to marry.  I want you to know that when I decided to marry you it was for all the reasons I said.  I never lied to you about that although I may have lied to myself about the reasons that triggered my proposal._

_It is mortifying to admit but I had this fear that I’d never had before of waiting too long to marry and of making a bad match like my friend Mila.  Olivia asked me if Mila had never returned to Barrayar, would I have ever asked you to marry me. But there’s no point in thinking about that now is there?  I was determined not to make Mila’s mistakes and to be more sensible than she was when choosing my husband, and I was also eager for my life to start away from home._

_Olivia warned me that she didn’t think we were suited but I thought her doubts were petty and wrong.   I thought we would overcome those things and we would grow with the marriage, without thinking about how. I didn’t question it.  I’d seen it happen for other couples so I thought it would be the logical outcome. I relied on selected facts and created a perfect paper marriage.  I ignored things I shouldn’t have. I was an idiot. I was arrogant.  I was seeing what I wanted to see because of my fear but I convinced myself it was right and I convinced you too.  I see now that I may have infected you with my own doubts about finding love and I hope that that’s not true.  I hope that I didn’t put those doubts in your head, but part of me feels that I may have and without knowing it that’s what I was doing.  I feel like I stole you from the life you should have had because you trusted everything I said.  You always did believe I was wiser than my years but in this case it wasn’t true. I’m sorry you’re the victim of us all learning that lesson. I’m sorry for all of it._

_I see now how wrong we were for each other, something I thought before I allowed Mila to infect me with that stupid fear. But whether we should have married or not is not the point. At that moment we were both committed to it and I should have given it my all as you did. Ideally there should have been a point where we both saw it was never meant to be and ended it mutually, however hard that was.  Perhaps you may believe it would have worked but I was already leaving our marriage before I met Borgos. I’m not proud of it but I see now how little I tried.  You tried to treat me as a wife, but I never once treated you like a husband.  I enjoyed the freedom of no longer being at home and every time you wanted to see me I never saw it for what it was – that you wanted us to spend time together as a couple; for us to get to know each other on that journey we started.   I saw you as trying to restrict me._

_I don’t want this to sound like Mama and Papa had us under lock and key but you know how it was for us. This isn’t an excuse.  I know I was selfish.  I never looked at it from your point of view. I saw you as trying to keep me with you, to keep me at home. I know it was none of that. It was as if I was in a fog and I’d even forgotten that we were friends.  I know part of it was I couldn’t face that our marriage was a mistake – that I should never have proposed. Never should have been so certain.  I was running away from so many things and that’s something I never used to do._

_I was never physically intimate with Borgos.  I have to say this. Nothing of that nature happened but I can see why you would never believe it because I lied so much.  I never talked about you with him.  I gave him the time and love I should have tried to give to you.  I no longer lie to myself that it was only the work that kept me at Vorkosigan House. I won’t lie to myself, you or anyone again.  I can’t explain how I justified it to myself. I blocked out so much when I was there with him._

_But you never gave up on our marriage. When I think of how cruel I was to you, how I lashed out at you and rejected you each time you tried, I am ashamed of that Martya. So ashamed I cannot tell you.  You didn’t deserve any of it. I am surprised you put up with me for as long as you did; that you gave me so many chances. You did what I couldn’t. You tried._

_I don’t know how to end this letter but I hope that one day you will stop hating me and believe how deeply sorry I am, and that even if you can never forgive me we can find a way of being in the same room without it hurting our families or each other.  Mama misses you very much.  I’m sure Papa does too but he won’t talk about what’s happened. I’m going to make him read this letter so he can see the truth of what I did. He has to face it as much as I did.  It’s the only way we can all move forward._

_I will always regret destroying our friendship. I know I will regret it for the rest of my life.  Just as I know that you will make someone a fine husband. Someone who will appreciate your qualities in a way that I never did, until it was too late._

_I’m sorry._

_Martya_

**Author's Note:**

> Oodles of thanks to Zoya1416 for comments and advice (and setting off my mind on to other avenues...), and to Gwynne for beta read and that email that triggered off the above in the first place. Ta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
> 
> The title is part lyric of "Future Works" by Idlewild.


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